I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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