I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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