I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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