did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
