dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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