Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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