This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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