I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
