i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
