i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
