Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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