U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
