i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
