chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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