the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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