she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
