dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
