I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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