I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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