moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
