So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
