Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
