I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
