remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
