and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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