There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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