Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
