I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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