I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
