You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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