I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
