All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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