I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
