I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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