I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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