farters have to be the big spoon...
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
