Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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