The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
