i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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