I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
