I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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