he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
