The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
