Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
