So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My vagina just recognized that song.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
