what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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