i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
