I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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