you traded sex for a burrito?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
