I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
