your parents love me but you hate me
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
