dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
