my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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