K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
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If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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