You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
