He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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